Saturday, October 3, 2009

one of those days....

Today was one of those days....All I wanted is to hide under a blanket and sleep for few days...funny thing is that I didn't necessary have a reason to feel that way....oh well...I guess that comes with being a woman!
Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I'm and who I'm supposed to be according to other people and according to God...It is so extremely hard to find my true identity because I feel like I'm being pulled into two opposite directions...I have never been the "perfect" friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, wife and a mother....and I'm never going to be one. I don't even know what stands behind this word "perfect". The category in which I struggle the most is being a wife and a mother. If you asked me few years ago what I wanted to do after getting married, I would have told you that I wanted to continue my education even after having a baby...then getting a job...probably part-time...I would take care of my husband and a baby but I would not be a typical stay-at-home mom because I have never felt called to do it! I truly admire women who commit to long as you do it because it's your heart's desire and because you feel like that is what God wants you to do it....I fully support it! I'm such a free spirit that this option wasn't for me and I don't think it will ever be. Shaun knows the best that if I stay home for too long I go crazy. I need alone time and time with friends...they keep me sane! I don't always cook meals for my family...we eat out quite often...I love my son to death but he also drives me crazy sometimes and I simply need to get away. So is this kind of mom and a wife acceptable in this Christian society?! Sometimes I feel like it isn't which hurts me so much. Me and Shaun have always had clear expectations of each other...he wanted to be a youth pastor and I wanted to pursue psychology. I was always a social butterfly and he wasn't. Then we started our little family and had to adjust some things but they didn't put a complete stop to our dreams and goals...needs and works out just fine for us, but yet some people have the need to judge it because I'm not this perfect youth pastor's wife who stays at home with Hudson...cooks and cleans...helps out with my husband ministry, etc. We have always had different goals for our own personal careers...we still support each other but there is only that much time we have on our hands. And between working, taking care of Hudson and the house, personal time, time together as a couple...there just isn't enough time for everything that some people think a "perfect" wife should do. So yea...these are my thoughts of the day...I'm not "perfect"....I'm ME!!!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

It was a great day...

Saturday was awesome! I got to hang out with some of my best games, eat amazing food, and simply laugh!!! I love to laugh :) It is not news to those of you who know me :) At night bunch of us girls went to see "The Ugly Truth" and oh boy it was a weird movie...funny at times and also very inappropriate...It did have some good points about how men think and perceive things, though. Once again it made me think about how different guys and girls are, and how "weird" it is that God created us like that on purpose and with a purpose in mind. Did He know that because of those differences we would never be able to completely understand each other? And that we would constantly argue because of is so intriguing :) Anyways...I just wanted to say that I absolutely love my friends!!! Last night was a blast!!!

Friday, September 25, 2009


Last night I went to the River, which is a college ministry led by some of our closest friends here in Spearfish. I absolutely love the River!!!! Anyways...I was very inspired and convicted by last night's message and thought I could share some of those thoughts...we will see how much I remember ;)

"The godly give good advice to their friends, the wicked lead them astray" - Proverbs 12:26...I have been thinking a lot lately about friendships...whether they are mine present friendships or past or people who have bad friends. Isn't amazing how much our life is influenced but those who sourround us?! When I was in high school I had two groups of friends...those who went to Youth Group with me and those who didn't know God at all. I was close to both of them but just in different aspects of my life. My friends from church were my spiritual support at that time and they had no clue what I was doing outside of church. So really they just knew one side of me. My other friends asked a lot of questions about my faith, and I not only talked about it but also acted most of the time like a Christian would. That is why I have never thought it was wrong for me to hang out with my non-Christian friends all the time. The problem was that they weren't building me up spiritually...if anything they were bringing me down. To them it didn't matter if they went and got drunk every weekend or if their every other word was a swear word or if the girls were dressing up "slutty" to get the guys attention. So in my head I thought I was doing the right thing by hanging out with them because I still ocassionally talked about God, yet my actions didn't relfect Him at all!!! What I'm trying to say is that those friends were leading my astray! What kind of a Christian am I if I participate in their partying and to some degree encourage them?!What kind of a friend am I if I let them go this sinful path straight to Hell???!!! That is not what a friend does!!! I definitely didn't do my job as a child of God. Many Many Many times I thought about my life and what it looked liked and how I run away from the people that had a good influence on me just to "have some fun". I should have done something about it...I wish I have spent more time with those who could uplift me....those who could have said "Marta what are you doing with your life?!"...I wish I let them in!!! And you know why? Because even though it's been years since I last partied...those memories come back to me once in a while and hunt me down. The things I did might have been forgiven by our God but those memories are a like a baggage that you bring with you for the rest of your life! And it sucks!!! So if you are in this situation right now, where you know it's time to make a choice...choose wisely!!! Whatever you do...remember it will affect your life forever!!!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

So i forgot about few things...

I was just reading my last few blogs and realized that the one from February had some prayer requests and that most of them were answered. I will start with my Green Card...I have it!!! The interview was easy and I guess I was more prepared than most people are:) But that is just me...I always have to have my bases covered. So now I'm officially a permanent resident of this country. In May I was also hired at Walmart and as some of you might wonder why I would work there if I have a BA in Psychology....well, Spearfish is pretty small therefore there aren't many places that could use someone with my degree. I actually like my job...our Walmart in town is new and the people that work there are nice. And i also love love love make people happy which I get to do every time I work. So as long as I get to influence someone's life I'm satisfied:) Another prayer answered was Hudson's cough...we went to the doctor and he finally got over it. Yay God!:) One of the most important prayer requests was about friends and it was definitely answered. I have an amazing circle of friends here in Spearfish...they even threw me a Green Card party!!!! It was awesome!!! It is definitely a lot harder to make time to hang out because everyone has their responsibilites but that just means that we are more intentional with our time together. God has definitely done some amazing work in my life since we've been here. I've been up and down and He has always been there for me! So were my friends! So thank you guys!!! I love you!!! I have also made some friends at work which is an awesome ministry field because very few of them are Christians. So yea...that is it as far as prayer requests go...on a different has been a very good day so far...I woke up in a good mood with lots of energy! YAY for a good day!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

wow....a lot has changed!

Since i haven't written anything for a long while, this might a long one!!! I should probably start with....we no longer work for Mountain View Church....due to a split Shaun resigned from his position. It was a very nasty situation and we are still trying to get over it and move on...unfortunately it isn't as easy as I thought it would be! Every time I drive by that church I hurt! Shaun wasn't the only one that resigned...he followed the rest of the staff. Many people left and we all started a new church in town called Grace Fellowship. It has been an awesome experience so far besides the fact that it all happened so fast that I didn't have enough time to get over the split. Honestly....I don't know how to! Every Sunday I go to church and I feel alone because everyone seems so happy and I'm so not! And even though I've been told to just focus on the positive that is not how I deal with pain! Because if I don't work through the negative it will only be put away for later and one day it will all blow up! I wish people weren't so afraid to talk about the crap in their lives, because maybe then people like me wouldn't feel alone in this big world! I have felt like this the whole summer...and I used to think that even though depression runs in my family it wouldn't never catch up to me. But it did and it sucks! I don't want to get up in the morning and when I do....physically have no energy to do anything. Doing simple tasks like getting Hudson a sippy are exhausting. I don't even enjoy shopping and those who know me this is not normal. I hate hate hate feeling like this...lately I've found myself looking forward to going to work because people who I work with say what is on their mind and if something sucks they don't cover it. And when we talk about church they say why they don't go there and you know what...I totally understand! They are sick of fake...and I'm getting sick of it too! How are we supposed to process through things and become real friends if hardly anyone talks about their REAL lives. I don't believe that there is a person who has it all figured out and their life is perfect. I don't! I used to cover things up...I was always the one who no matter what was smiling because thinking postive was the right to do! Well look where it got me....I'm in this black hole and can't get out of it! I have tried so many things...eating better, exercising, doing things I enjoy, focusing on the positive, etc.....because I was told it would hasn't yet! I just want someone to listen and not judge me for what I'm's ok to through's normal to go through crap...we are sucks sometimes! And I don't want hide my true feelings anymore...this is me...take or leave it!

Monday, February 9, 2009

new chapter...

As always it's been a while between my blogs...we've moved and we love it!!! Our new home is so spacious and cozy and the area is beautiful. I love Black Hills!!! For the last 4 weeks we've been very buys painting and decorating, and I'm ready to be done. There is still a lot to do, especially in the basement but that will take a while. Shaun has been adjusting to his new job very well...he absolutely loves it. I'm finally going to youth group this's going to be great, because the kids are amazing!!!

We do have a few prayer requests...
1. Hudson has been sick for the last 7 weeks and we finally took him to the doctor today. He didn't know what is going on, because all Hudson has is a other symptoms. We got antibiotics for Hudson, so please pray that they would help. We want his relief and also we don't have an insurance yet, so it could get very expensive.

2. My Green Card interview got rescheduled and I don't know what the date will be. It's been a stressful process for me and I just want it to be over.

3. JOB!!! I need a job...once you move away from college, there are all these expenses that you didn't have before...and I need a job ASAP. I don't want to take just anything...mainly because I don't want to hate going to work every day. It also needs to have health benefits because we can't afford paying $400 for insurance every month. It's been hard to think about having to leave Hudson at a daycare or with Shaun in the evening, because I actually started to like being
stay-at-home mom. Hudson has been so much happier since we've moved that he doesn't give me a reason to want to leave anymore:) So please pray for peace for us and for God's provision. We are already tight with our budget and soon we will have to start paying loans off and that scares me. I have these little panic attacks when I start freaking out about money and not being able to pay for necessities. We are blessed with a house in which we can live for free which is a big relief for us. Please, pray that God would give me peace about everything and that he would help me to be ok with going to work and not having to worry about leaving Hudson.

4.Building new friendships...I'm such a people person, and not having neighbors that I can just stop by anytime is hard. I miss our girl events like crazy. Women need to vent and the best way to do that is to talk to other girls. I've met amazing women here and it's very fun to hang out with them, so please pray that I would be patient as it takes time for friendships to grow.

5. I really miss home-Poland!!! And it drives me crazy that I can't just go there whenever I want to. Tickets are so expensive and I need my passport which I can only get in Chicago, which would make a long trip. Please pray that all of my paperwork, including passport would be done soon and that God would provide for tickets. I haven't seen my family in so long and Hudson hasn't even met his great grandparents. It makes me sad every time I think about it!

We have been extremely blessed with the people that sourround us here, with a great house, great weather (for most part) and beautiful sorroundings. God is great! Sometimes we tend to forget to turn to him, and that's when things get crazy!!! Let us remember that He is always there for us!!!