Saturday, October 3, 2009

one of those days....

Today was one of those days....All I wanted is to hide under a blanket and sleep for few days...funny thing is that I didn't necessary have a reason to feel that way....oh well...I guess that comes with being a woman!
Lately I've been thinking a lot about who I'm and who I'm supposed to be according to other people and according to God...It is so extremely hard to find my true identity because I feel like I'm being pulled into two opposite directions...I have never been the "perfect" friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, wife and a mother....and I'm never going to be one. I don't even know what stands behind this word "perfect". The category in which I struggle the most is being a wife and a mother. If you asked me few years ago what I wanted to do after getting married, I would have told you that I wanted to continue my education even after having a baby...then getting a job...probably part-time...I would take care of my husband and a baby but I would not be a typical stay-at-home mom because I have never felt called to do it! I truly admire women who commit to that..as long as you do it because it's your heart's desire and because you feel like that is what God wants you to do it....I fully support it! I'm such a free spirit that this option wasn't for me and I don't think it will ever be. Shaun knows the best that if I stay home for too long I go crazy. I need alone time and time with friends...they keep me sane! I don't always cook meals for my family...we eat out quite often...I love my son to death but he also drives me crazy sometimes and I simply need to get away. So is this kind of mom and a wife acceptable in this Christian society?! Sometimes I feel like it isn't which hurts me so much. Me and Shaun have always had clear expectations of each other...he wanted to be a youth pastor and I wanted to pursue psychology. I was always a social butterfly and he wasn't. Then we started our little family and had to adjust some things but they didn't put a complete stop to our dreams and goals...needs and wants...it works out just fine for us, but yet some people have the need to judge it because I'm not this perfect youth pastor's wife who stays at home with Hudson...cooks and cleans...helps out with my husband ministry, etc. We have always had different goals for our own personal careers...we still support each other but there is only that much time we have on our hands. And between working, taking care of Hudson and the house, personal time, time together as a couple...there just isn't enough time for everything that some people think a "perfect" wife should do. So yea...these are my thoughts of the day...I'm not "perfect"....I'm ME!!!

2 comments:

jaclyn said...

i like it, it sounds like you know what you want/need and that is great! and i am glad your husband supports you.

Kristin said...

this is something i struggle with all the time. not what i want, and what i know is good for me and for my family, but "the others" who look in and judge the way i/we do things. i hate hate hate it when certain mothers look at me, and think that i am less of a mother because i don't do things the way that they do. i've even lost a close friend because of this. something that was really painful for me, but i realized that i can't have someone in my life that is constantly looking over my shoulder, and telling me when i'm not doing things "right". there is no absolute "right" when it comes to your family and/or children. drives me nuts!