Wednesday, September 23, 2009

wow....a lot has changed!

Since i haven't written anything for a long while, this might a long one!!! I should probably start with....we no longer work for Mountain View Church....due to a split Shaun resigned from his position. It was a very nasty situation and we are still trying to get over it and move on...unfortunately it isn't as easy as I thought it would be! Every time I drive by that church I hurt! Shaun wasn't the only one that resigned...he followed the rest of the staff. Many people left and we all started a new church in town called Grace Fellowship. It has been an awesome experience so far besides the fact that it all happened so fast that I didn't have enough time to get over the split. Honestly....I don't know how to! Every Sunday I go to church and I feel alone because everyone seems so happy and I'm so not! And even though I've been told to just focus on the positive that is not how I deal with pain! Because if I don't work through the negative it will only be put away for later and one day it will all blow up! I wish people weren't so afraid to talk about the crap in their lives, because maybe then people like me wouldn't feel alone in this big world! I have felt like this the whole summer...and I used to think that even though depression runs in my family it wouldn't never catch up to me. But it did and it sucks! I don't want to get up in the morning and when I do....physically have no energy to do anything. Doing simple tasks like getting Hudson a sippy are exhausting. I don't even enjoy shopping and those who know me this is not normal. I hate hate hate feeling like this...lately I've found myself looking forward to going to work because people who I work with say what is on their mind and if something sucks they don't cover it. And when we talk about church they say why they don't go there and you know what...I totally understand! They are sick of fake...and I'm getting sick of it too! How are we supposed to process through things and become real friends if hardly anyone talks about their REAL lives. I don't believe that there is a person who has it all figured out and their life is perfect. I don't! I used to cover things up...I was always the one who no matter what was smiling because thinking postive was the right to do! Well look where it got me....I'm in this black hole and can't get out of it! I have tried so many things...eating better, exercising, doing things I enjoy, focusing on the positive, etc.....because I was told it would help...it hasn't yet! I just want someone to listen and not judge me for what I'm feeling...it's ok to through crap...it's normal to go through crap...we are humans...life sucks sometimes! And I don't want hide my true feelings anymore...this is me...take or leave it!

3 comments:

Stev said...

That's one of the many things that has driven me away from the church. Everyone has problems, but they all want to pretend that everything's all well and good. They think that showing discontent with their lives will make them look like they're not trusting God. I just don't understand how someone's pride can get in the way of doing something to feel better about their situation.

Thorin Sage said...

marta, i just want you to know that i'm right there with you. i haven't gone through the same thing as you, but i understand what it's like to have people around you telling you to be positive, and telling you to just get over it, but it doesn't always work like that! some things take months, if not years, to get over, especially when you've been hurt to the core. i don't know the secret to getting out of that painful rut, but just know that you aren't alone marta. i value your friendship, and just knowing that we feel the same sometimes, makes me feel a little better about working through the crap in my life. i hope you at least feel less alone. thinking of you - kristin

The Breilands said...

Thanks Kristin...it does help a lot! I like real people:)